Invasive in-laws are nothing new; many a Husband woman might tell you that her MIL is just a little bit too involved in her son’s life. In fact, 60% of women say that their relationship with their mother-in-law causes them unhappiness.
But this woman had previous experience of her MIL Husband making it all about her. So, when she found Husband out that she was pregnant, she chose to keep it a secret both from her husband and his mother. Knowing that this is far from ideal, the woman decided to seek some advice online.
Experts call family relationships where there is a lack of boundaries “enmeshed relationships”
A pregnancy can be great news for a young couple who are looking to start a family. But, for this woman, it became the very thing that might threaten her marriage. Many people in the comments pointed out that such a relationship between Husband the mother and the son is probably not healthy.
People took issue with how the husband seemed to consistently prioritize his mother and her feelings over those of his wife. “So your husband went off to go comfort his mother outside while you were crying over your miscarriage,” one Redditor wrote. “Seems like he will always have his priority be his mom.”
Cases where adult children are in dysfunctional relationships with their parents are often referred to as enmeshed relationships. Mother-son enmeshment in particular is a term used to describe relationships between adult sons and mothers who have a relationship where boundaries are blurry.
Enmeshed family relationships generally are those where family members become codependent. “Family members who are enmeshed often do not respect boundaries and expect to have a vote on family members’ decisions,” Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker, explains. “They can expect to dictate their adult children’s career, parenting decisions, romantic relationships, or social media posts.”
Mother-son enmeshment usually happens because of the mom’s unmet needs, anxiety, or the son’s difficulty with independence. Kristie Plantinga, MA, writes that this isn’t anybody’s fault. “It’s a dynamic that develops over time,” she claims. With time and effort, individuals can create healthier boundaries and a more balanced relationship.
Mothers and sons can have a close relationship without enmeshment
Plantinga also elaborates on what people often mistake for mother-son enmeshment. According to her, talking often and spending a lot of time together don’t necessarily mean a mother and an adult son are in a dysfunctional relationship. “Open communication and shared activities are important in any healthy relationship,” she writes.
The same goes for supporting one another and having each other’s back. According to Plantinga, it’s okay as long as it’s not one-sided and controlling. Deep emotional connection also doesn’t always equal enmeshment. A mother and her adult son can have a close relationship as each individual is able to regulate their emotions without the other’s input.
Lending a helping hand is also normal in healthy family relationships. “Occasional assistance strengthens family bonds,” according to Plantinga. Generally, both individuals should have their separate interests and lives and be able to make decisions without the other.
Moving away from an enmeshed relationship can be a hard and long process. First, it’s important to recognize the problem. Many adult children in enmeshed relationships don’t realize they’re in one. It’s important to do some self-reflection and recognize your behavioral patterns.
Then, it’s time to set some boundaries. “The boundaries should allow for time apart and time to express what [you] both need,” Debra Roberts, LCSW, says. In most cases, there is pushback from the parent, so experts advise going little by little, increasing time apart in small increments.
It’s always good to have a mediator present when this conversation happens, a mental health professional, preferably. In extreme cases, when the other individual doesn’t want to change, experts even recommend ending the relationship.
