Having your partner legitimately support you in life is worth more than gold. It’s the small things that truly make us realize that we’re loved, respected, and appreciated. It’s very obvious when these things are missing. Something that seems obvious to many—if not most—of us is celebrating our significant others’ birthdays. In some cases, however, that’s bizarrely not the case.
One internet user opened up to the AITA online group about a particularly delicate situation at home. He shared how he had a complete breakdown after his wife didn’t so much as wish him a happy birthday. It gets even worse. She had a very nasty response to his panic attack. Scroll down for the full story and to see how some readers reacted to the emotionally messy situation.
You expect the people closest to you in your life to support you and care about the things important to you
A man felt devastated after his wife yelled at him while he was having a panic attack just as his birthday ended
Romantic relationships need a give-and-take dynamic to be successful
To many of us, it seems nigh unthinkable not to celebrate our partners’ birthdays in at least some small way. Or, at the very least, to wish them a happy birthday if we’ve accidentally forgotten to get them a gift or card. The reality is that, for some individuals, birthdays don’t carry the same weight as for others.
However, just because you personally might not give a damn about your birthday doesn’t mean that you should ignore your nearest and dearest celebrating another successful revolution around the Sun. To put it simply, you can seem pretty cold and heartless if you don’t even acknowledge your spouse or child getting older.
Doing something for others, focusing on what they love instead of just what you enjoy, means that you’re an empathetic person. Healthy relationships of all kinds involve some level of sacrifice.
There’s a give-and-take dynamic that you can’t avoid. If you know for a fact that your spouse really cares about celebrating their birthday, honestly, the emotionally intelligent move would be to make them feel special on that day.
On top of all of this, there’s the sincerely strange and immature reaction from the author’s wife. While he was having a breakdown, sitting in tears, she was yelling at him. Unfortunately, we were unable to reach out to the author for further comment, as his Reddit account was suspended at the time of writing.
Couples need to feel like they’re free to be emotionally vulnerable, instead of having to repress their feelings
Any healthy long-term relationship requires open and honest communication. That includes emotional vulnerability. Even to this day, many men are expected to be stereotypically stoic and show no weaknesses or feelings whatsoever.
Repressing those feelings is unhealthy. Punishing someone for finally being honest and vulnerable is only going to make them reluctant to open up in the future.
On top of that, yelling at someone who’s having a panic attack isn’t going to help. It’ll only make things worse. What your partner needs then is support and love, not being attacked for caring about their birthday.
In the latter case, the couple will later need to have a candid conversation about what happened. They’ll need to get to the bottom of why there were such intense emotional reactions on both sides.
But that conversation will go nowhere if the couple doesn’t see itself as part of the same team: you shouldn’t go into arguments with the intention of “winning.” The goal, instead, should be clarity and finding a compromise.
That means that accusing each other of doing X and Y is off the table. What works better is using lots of “I” statements about how you feel when your partner does something and how you’d prefer they act in the future.
That being said, you should also consider your partner’s perspective (even if/especially if you think you’re completely in the right). Verywell Mind notes that it’s essential to give your partner time to speak while you actively listen to their position.
On the flip side, arguments that are going to get derailed are those that involve threats, partners insulting each other, comparing one another to other couples, and bringing in the kids. Giving your partner the silent treatment is also not the mature way of going about things.
Panic attacks are serious and require support, not frustration
People who have panic attacks can experience a very wide range of symptoms, including sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, a choking sensation, nausea, and dizziness.
They might feel disoriented, tingling in their fingers, ringing in their ears, and have a dry mouth. NHS Inform states that these attacks generally last between 5 to 30 minutes.
A lot of different things can cause panic attacks and will depend on the person in question. Someone might have them due to a situation at work or with their family, while someone else might get incredibly anxious due to their health, previous traumatic experience, or big life events.
The way to manage these attacks is to focus on your breathing to calm down or on your environment to distract yourself from what’s going on with your body.
For instance, you could try listening to calming music, counting random objects, or doing something you enjoy, like walking, reading, or watching a cozy show. Leading a healthy and active lifestyle also helps: you build up resilience by not avoiding some stressors in your life.
