Having children is a lifelong commitment. There might be times you’ll have to prioritize your kids over your own preferred plans. And it’s not unusual for your marriage or relationship to take strain once you start a family. That’s why some people wait a while before bringing children into the world. And others choose to be child-free.
When one mom found her marriage crumbling under the weight of two young children, she turned to her brother for help. Being the “cool uncle”, he was happy to babysit while his sister and her husband went on a much-needed date. But now, she expects him to watch her kids every single weekend. The child-free brother is torn between helping his sister, and having his weekends to himself. He shared his story online, asking for advice on what to do.
It’s not unusual for marriages to take strain once kids enter the game
Many people underestimate the amount of work that goes into having kids. And some begin the journey with rose-tinted glasses. Raising children takes time, energy and effort. Parents must juggle a lot. Whether they like it or not. And they’re naturally more tired than they were when they were child-free. They also have less time to spend with each other, as is the case with the man’s sister. Less quality time together can often take a toll on the couple’s connection.
Research shows that children can add stress to marriage, and that relationship satisfaction often decreases after the birth of the first child. Unfortunately, it can stay that way for a while. “This dip in happiness doesn’t go away until after children leave the nest, and by that time, many couples have divorced or drifted apart,” reads this Verywell Mind article on the topic.
There’s also a higher chance of conflict when kids are involved. Especially if the parents can’t agree on how to split childcare duties fairly. Spontaneity and fun can fly out the window. The romantic relationship can become more of a functional partnership. And the couple could even begin to feel more like roommates than soulmates after a while.
It’s important to prioritize your relationship but “dating” might look different when you have children
“We had been married five years at this point and we were not connecting and communicating like we used to. All our conversations seemed to revolve around parenting, bills, and food shopping. We were arguing more and more and comparing who was doing the most and who wasn’t doing enough,” wrote one mom who also happens to be a relationship coach. The couple felt ashamed to admit that having kids had put a strain on their relationship. But once they finally shared their struggles with others, they were assured they weren’t alone.
They decided to work together to change things for the better. “From that moment, my husband and I made a commitment to put each other first again. We stopped making excuses as to why we didn’t have time for each other and got creative and resourceful like we did when we were teenagers,” she revealed. “We created the time; we scheduled dates; we made better use of the time we did have and instead of scrolling on our phones, disconnecting and checking out, we consciously checked in to ourselves and each other.”
The couple also realized that they needed to rethink what an ideal date looked like. And what worked for them, as parents. “We were surprised that dinner dates no longer excited us or worked for us with young kids,” she said. Instead, they opted for beach walks, hikes, coffee dates, movie nights, and drinking ceremonial cacao together. “Once we got rid of our limiting beliefs, it became so easy to date.”
And that might be an answer to the sister’s marriage woes. Quality over quantity when it comes to time alone with her husband. Instead of asking her brother to look after the kids for hours on end every Saturday and Sunday, the couple could schedule shorter dates. And perhaps even ask someone else to step in when the kids’ “cool uncle” is unavailable.
